What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 05:11
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Put me off passion for life!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot live in the past .
When she asked me how she looked .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why did i forgive my father ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I said to her
I was 9 years of age.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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I was scared of men, in general
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She wouldn,t have been !
As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We were not on the streets..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Would this be the day?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But it wasn’t much.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I don,t even have a pension.
I think the readers, may guess!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I couldn’t, believe it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i lived it daily.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My family never makes their pension either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
This is soul school!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
All the time i was locked up.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was very sick at this time too.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im still living with it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I waited trembling.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Ive learnt so much.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But, we were locked up after school.
He knew the spot.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Comes on , in middle age.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
What did i know ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We all went to grammer schools
I write beautiful poetry .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So whats the point in blame.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So, i spoilt her more .
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
They are buried together, in the same grave..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She found it foreign!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She loved him until the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It was going to be , some day.
My life is so biszare .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I will be 64.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She married twice! .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Who then, do I blame.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was in good health!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I have no regrets .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..